Dessert Anyone?
by ArtemisPrime
Summary: An ordinary day.  An ordinary town.  Until the sky falls and Jayne takes offense.


Dessert Anyone? - by ArtemisPrime

Disclaimer: all things Firefly/Serenity are the property of Whedon et. I'm not making any money off this, just playing with the toys.

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If it had been anyone other than Jayne, Mal would have laughed his ass off. Given the mercenary's general inability to laugh at himself, though, the Captain decided to help the man rather than chuckle. He reached a hand to Jayne help haul him back to his feet. Trouble was, another man was preventing him from doing that.

"Get off me!" Jayne bellowed, squirming and finagling his way from the man who now lay atop him. "Gorramn sumbitch!" He shoved the other violently before springing upright.

Mal stopped and looked up. Yep, as he figured. Two figures were staring out the second storey window, now looking quite worried. Mal sucked his teeth. "Seems you had some help in falling out of the sky." He faced the man, now quivering in front of Jayne. "Jayne, that might cause a fuss and some unwelcomed attention, dong ma?"

Jayne had drawn his gun and was aiming it squarely between the man's eyes. "Deserves it, Mal. You know it." He eyed the man darkly. "Give me a reason to not shoot you."

The whole town could have heard the gulp. "It wasn't my fault!"

Jayne's eyes narrowed and he licked his tongue across his bared teeth. "They always say that. Ain't real nice last words. Nothin'...poetical in it."

The Captain moved in. "What's say we converse nicely with those helping this boy leave the premises via the window and then you can shoot him." He waited until Jayne lifted the barrel up and clicked the gun to safety.

With his left hand, the mercenary grabbed the other man while holstering his gun with his right. "Might'n be I'd get a chance to shoot more'n one." He grinned and the man nearly wet his pants.

Taking the stairs two at a time, the trio went to the second storey, finding the room of the man's defenestration abandoned. Jayne sulked and made to draw his sidearm. Mal shook his head. "Seems the culprits have vacated. You know where they might've gone to?"

The man thought a moment. "The kitchen?"

Jayne perked up on this. "There's eats here?" He grinned. "Well, let's dig in." He jerked the man out of the room, barking out which direction to go as he very nearly dragged the man along. Mal trotted behind, curious to see how this was going to play out. He absently felt for the money bag in his inside pocket, hoping that it would be enough to bail himself out of jail, you know, in case.

Shortly, the men arrived at the entrance to a very large and chaos filled kitchen. Steam and shouting filled the air, intermixed with various machines running. But the smell of baking stopped the Captain and he let the flavour fill his senses. Been a long time since he'd had anything near resembling pie and the idea of it being so near was too tempting. Drawing his revolver, he shouted "Anyone moves, he gets it!" He winced. 'He gets it'? What in hell was this, a bad B-movie? Even Jayne gave a slidelong glance, telling the Captain that his words were less than intimidating. Mal only shrugged slightly, but kept his gun pointed at the fallen man's side. "Ain't kidding about this."

"Uh, no he ain't." Jayne pulled his own gun. "And you don't wanna see him when he don't get what he wants." He whispered to Mal, "What is it you be wanting?"

"Horace?" a voice called from the steamy background. A figure moved forward. "You have the nerve to show your ugly pigu here?" A small, dark haired women stood almost toe to toe with the fallen man. She narrowed her eyes. "I thought I had dealt with you." She swivelled and nodded to two others. They moved to Horace and made to take him.

"No. No!" Horace tried to run, but Jayne and Mal held him tight. "You can't let them take me. Please!"

Mal frowned. "What is it that's got this boy all in a tizzy?"

The woman faced Mal and spoke. "Tizzy?" She huffed. "Tizzy doesn't even begin to cover the level of embarrassment this...scum...caused me and the reputation of this kitchen." Agreement was murmured amongst the kitchen crew.

Mal sighed. "Am I ever going to receive a straight answer?"

"If it wasn't for this maggot, the pie would have been exquisite. But moron here couldn't tell the difference between ground cinnamon and nutmeg. It was the utmost humiliation when the owner choked."

Jayne frowned. "So ya threw him out the window?" He stopped and pointed his gun at the woman. "Well, he done landed on me." He paused. "Hu-miliated me. So way I figure it, you owe me."

With the grace of a companion, the dark woman looked the mercenary up and down before smiling. "You strike me as a man of large appetites."

An hour later, Jayne and Mal strode up the ramp to Serenity laden with a crate of take out dinners and desserts, the Captain chuckling and the hired gun grimacing.

"Cap'n?" Kaylee asked, coming down the stairs to meet them.

Mal was unable to speak, lest he make his mercenary even angrier with his laughter.

The mechanic reached out her hand to the stranger. "Hi. Name's Kaylee. Welcome to Serenity."

"I'm Horace, ship's cook and life indebted to Mr. Jayne."

The look of delight that spread across little Kaylee's face only made Jayne that much angrier and he shoved the crate at Horace, muttering something about getting soft on this boat and shooting stowaways.

The mechanic looked through the crate's items. "Oh, don't you worry none 'bout Jayne. He's ornery and mean, but he ain't all bad. Can't be, now can he, if he saved ya. Ooh, apples!" She munched on the fruit, taking Horace's arm. "Now tell me, how is it you come to be indebted to Jayne?"


End file.
